How To Be A Cop:
A comprehensive beginner’s guide to the world of police and law enforcement
D.C. Sam Bears
Sgt. Nicholas Burns
Officer Raul Coppe
I got my copy at an undisclosed location in Brunswick Street, Melbourne for $7 “guess who don’t sue”
You can get your copy from: realcoppoliceman69 at gmail dot com
Hilarious: This zine is just great old skool ‘fucking-shit-up’ funny. It’s exactly the kind of zine you’d want to see on the shelves of Polyester and all other “good book stores” lying next to those High Times magazines that review bongs. Hah. It’s put out by the Department of Youth, Culture and Problems. I LOVE THAT. The zine is not worth $7 but I will pay it just for that little Australian cultural appropriation of the coat of arms.
Contents: Rookie spelling mistakes. Clip art doughnuts and guns. Batons as dildo jokes. Satirical, misogynist, racist advice on how to use your unlimited powers of brute force. (hashtag political commentary).
How funny is it? The kind of funny when you’re delirious at 3am in the morning. That is to say, it’s not particularly original or clever. But seeing all the jokes make it to print and superimposed on to official logos kind of makes it A grade comedy. The recommended further reading includes Batman, Batman and Robin, Kill All Perps, A Study in Law and Justice, Domestic Violence and the Joys of Laughter, Police Boy, Police Boy II: Revenge of Police Boy etc. You gotta laugh. It has some kind of absurdist streak going on.
But is there a Hitler reference? Glad you asked. Yes, yes there is. “A day in the life of officer Barry Hitler”. He runs over disabled children and eats cheeseburgers and gets a handjob from his partner, Junior Officer Henry Goebbels. Story to be continued in the next issue.
Wizardry: What I think amuses me the most about this zine is the use of images to accompany the text. Like, there are a lot of reproductions of people from some kind of costume catalogue dressed up as police, including children, perfect, but what makes it kind of absurd and takes it to a whole new level is that in some of these pictures there’s a kid in a wizard costume from within the same photoshoot who has been left in the collage. Including, in another collage, a man dressed as a wizard with a white beard. And the glossary of cop terms includes ‘cop hat’ with a wizard hat depicted. There’s some weird magic subliminal shit going on. Including a Harry Potter reference.
Fuck the police: Actually, personally, I don’t subscribe to this sentiment. I have only ever had good experiences with police – I count myself fortunate. I do believe police corruption exists etc and that powers get abused, because humans, and because journalism, but I don’t scream at police officers in protests. I laugh at Chief Wiggum on The Simpsons and have NWA on my ipod but I am a law abiding citizen (essentially) and live in a nice happy bubble of my own white, privileged mainstream mediocrity. I read about things like this and am vaguely concerned from afar but obviously I don’t experience the police like other people from different demographics walking the same streets as me or living in remote Australia. And my educated guess is that this zine is the kind of humour you can afford when you are privileged. Hashtag irony.
Is this part of something bigger? I don’t mean socially I mean print wise. In small print the zine says fwyc #8. I really want to know this acronym as well. (Fund what you can? Fort Walton Yacht Club?) Is this issue 8? What have I been missing?